haha.
im going to post something grim and serious again

been thinking about things this hols.
some pple start to also tell me wad i told people b4, i realise

sports day showed me some things la basically.
not that i like to dominate things or something,
i just hate the idea of following behind people's back when they are unsure of wad they are doing and they are unsure of wad you think and simply deem it as DUMB when they havent even thought thru it.
the whole sports day i duno wad im doing

i start to realise i have changed a lot
and becoming less of wad i actually am
those things tt i will nv do b4 are like reflecting on me and making me feel uneasy
the whole sports day i spent my time following people and doing wad i should not do and didnt really want to do
perhaps just because i dont want to be a loner
how sad is that.

decided to slow down and look at things from a different perspective.
i realise i am so tired always trying to keep up with other people
and feel so obliged to do wad they think is correct.
perhaps this is the disadvantage of going around in big groups i guess.
you have to wait for other people because youre obliged to and have to,
not because you want to.
i want to do it becox i want to
nothing wrong about being obliged to wait for people though
just feel tired and exasperated sometimes at myself.

the whole of sports day i flutter behind people's back duno doing what
and people around me just tell me to
go here go there
do this do that
if not,
youre weird and youre lagging
and people will give you that "huh?youre so weird.wad are you tinkin of?" when they are the ones who dont know wad is going on and have officially "hanged"
how ironic is that to be told that i am lagging when i came up with the word "lagger" myself.

and i just rush here rush there feeling all empty inside
unsure of wad exactly is happening.
but having to follow becox i dont want to be alone and they are my friends.

and im not lagging or anything
im just thinking of wad is best for me at tat time
to do wad i tink is best for myself or to do wadever you all think is best for me
i really dont feel like trying to keep up with the crowd and doing what pple think is correct but i dont feel like doin

bitch bitch bitch
thanks for being discouraging man
you SUCK.
GET OUT OF MY SIGHT
erms.
*clears throat*

hai...
and ya,
i spend my time keeping up and proving tt im not lagging or something and im not weird
rushing here and there
i realise i want to establish my own personality and do wad i want to do
instead of sticking around doing something else


dont mind being whined at by zhenling or cheryl to go st 13 gate though
haha
thats a different thing altogether
just feel irritated at being shoved ar to do things i really dont want to doound and having
and feel all like some stupid dog following its owner
and if the dog misbehaves,
the owner starts to feel irritated just becox her dog doesnt want to be a dog anymore
then you can go with your self deemed friend becox the both of you click.

and once i slow down my pace
i start to realise pple are chasing each other just to make sure they are not left behind somewhere and not seen by other people as "isolated"
perhaps those that are good are those can just let things happen by themselves and not bother about wad other people think of them
though i tink i will nv be like that.

shut up
who are you to control me?

o and i also realise i care about wad other people view me too much sometimes
i should just do things becox thats me and not because thats wad i want people to tink of me.
but thats so hard.
who is able to do this?
my character is not strong enough
ya.

not pinpointing anybody
just being random
and sick of the endless chase.