thought i would spend the afternoon watching progs on channel u
but i was so irritated by the 5566 show that i gave up
it sucks
with the host and the artistes duno yanking bout wad
and keep on talking and talking rubbish*primarily to distract those playing*
but apparently it distracted me also and made me so irritated that i switched the tv off
tsk

and came online
realised very few pple online
even the most often seen huiqing is missing
lol
looks like evryone's gone

ya
went blog-shopping.
went to a lot of pple's la
very long nv contact one also have
ya
a lot of pple change already
and i didnt even notice
im like distancing away from them or something
and i havent gone back to dqps for 4 years
or basically ever since i went out of the school

hai...
now im so engrossed and caught up with my own problems and studies that i tink i have become so apatheic towards things
tsk
like why should i care? that kind of thing
ya.
hai...
is this happening to everyone?
and ya.
got some personal problems also
feel so tsk everytime
duno how to react
can someone just give me a full marks answer as to how should i react?
smile and be patient?
or
just ignore the whole thing?

its not just me ok?
things have become so obvious and tensed that its not just me being "paranoid"
tsk
wadeva

ya
and now i miss pri sch life
haha
whole day study but somehow you just dont feel tired
and you wont fall sick when you keep doing your work every single day from 6.30 when you reach sch till 9+ when you come back from tuition.
i dont rmb this whole process being tired and sickening at all
but now,
just a maths oly drives me nuts and makes me have a bad headache.
politics politics
irritating can

during pri,
everytime you step into class you just study
recess go for taf
after recess study again.
after sch lunch break do homework
then remedial until 5.30
eat dinner
go for tuition
then sleep
and it continues.
but its not as tiring as now when you step into class
got some pple dont like some people
pass horrible remarks
and the person feels horrible
when everything is all started by another person who is such a blabbermouth.
then the whole class is just so tensed up becox of this whole thing

and you start to realise you feel so hyperventilated
you are ego but you cant express it becox it may irritate other people
and people start turning competitive towards you
and you feel so uneasy
and duno wad to do
wad to reply

and everyone around you just duno wad to do
and you are like stuck?

so tell me wad i should do.
pls.
i hate this whole idea of having to act all nice when ya.
so fake
and once i express something, im replied by a whole chain of competitiveness?
wads so nice to compete about?
its so unfriendly
and so pointless
i hate it!

i want my pri 6 life when we compete who writes xi zi faster that kind of thing
etc...
who wants to compete about getting selected?
who wants to compete about getting food first?
who wants to compete about being called by juniors?
who wants to compete about dizi?
who wants to compete about everything else?
so irritating.......................
spare me pls
im not interested.

hai...
sometimes i hope im not so easily affected by other people
its like once someone tells me something bad about that person,
i will immediately shun away or become less attached to that person one lor.
stupid characteristic of mine
hai...
sian right?

sec4 sian enough already still have to deal with all these.
fgh ewufhuh neuhveiunvuhalsijfncweuihdinvv
ovirh
reviurfjvh
vuohruvh
reoiher uivh
reuhv ruivher
azs9ijfvherigh giohv
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

bet i will leave this sch just with a few friends.
like in dqps.
i dont even associate with them animore.
the famous trio haven even got together for ages since jan22.
and we dont talk or sms each other.
everyone is just so busy about everything else
o lvl's
or maybe problems like mine.
hai.
i hate this whole idea.
i always wonder who pple can keep sms-ing to to keep themselves active.
its like, i have no one to sms with me?

and now i just feel so heck care about everything*other than maths*
ya.
patheic.
maybe i shouldnt have joined dizi in the first place.
looks like it is generating some problems for me also or isnt bein in snco or evco?
i should have started off in places like library club or some MITS kind of thing
whole day stare at books or be a IT geek.
better than this la.
and whole day you will see me with a batch of geeks mugging away or hacking away at a laptop.
haha.
but i love dizi.
and since i love it,
i want to be good at it.
like wads wrong?
i should love books maybe
then i will be a fabulous reader who has read the bio txtbk 600 times*molly will be so happy that she bounces on me and pats my head though she has already crushed my backbone and cause me to be bedridden forever)

ya.
better than now.
practise my dizi also canot
dun practise also canot
practise still must have shi ji one.
tsk.
and having to constantly worry about self worth at chengsan kind of thing
its like i tink wc has a pt
if we are not going to take part in the co competition,
then we go for wad?
and im not even good enough to join them in the competition
and i seriously dun want anymore stress.
but ya,
go for wad?
and im extremely scared of the fact that we will be slacking away there while the others pia and chiong like shit for the competition and we just sit there and listen AGAIN.
its like i feel very worthless and lousy and not valued though this should be the case since im not good enough.
but who likes to feel this way la seriously.
who likes to wander around like idiots when the others lian the songs that you dont have?
and feeling all more like a guest performer
and playing just a few songs and the song is just you having rests and you playing a few notes here and there.
it feels horrible la seriously.
imagine it if you dont understand
im not attitude problem or tink im very pro

then tml if i go back,
wad do i do?
slack around again with no agenda?
and i hate to go for things which are so insecure.
that accounts for me always being late also.
i hate to be fang ge zi at the last minute
and i hate the insecureness i have to feel when someone is later than me and duno when that person will appear or will just send one stupid sms saying that he or she canot make it or since its so late then lets dont go?
i mean, its so sian.
who likes to feel neglected and left out?

im not acting differently behind you
its just that i duno how to express myself when you ask me "you eating fishball noodles ar?" and i can just go "ya."
wad do you expect me to say more?
you are the one that is feeling differently
becox you have this predeposition that you r ya,
then you will subconsciously react in this way to get yourself involved but just ending up achieving the wrong results.
just say things when you feel like it and not say things becox you have to say things that kind of thing?
becox you dont have this predeposition at other place,
thats why you are yourself and frivlous talks can still take place.
like during phone calls also.
you dont have to worry about being left out or wad
thats y you are able to talk when you feel strongly about something or just plain talking rubbish could be fun.
why must compete?
those who say competing between friends are friendly are idiots.
or at least they mean friendly competition.
but how do one define friendly competition btw friends?
everyone's definition is different
you may think it is friendly while the other gets offended.
or perhaps when everythin turns tense and ya.
wdv.

and thats why i feel so sian now.
goin cheng san and returning at 5++ could be so fun becox i feel very secure that i have friends and things to do there even though it may be just slacking.
but now,
im not sure wad do i do there and this makes me feel insecure again.
and so i wont feel like going becox im scared ill be left alone to sit down there awkwardly.
hope im tinking too much.

hai...
i miss the times when i could hang out with huishan w/o having to tink of her "leaving " me that kind of thing even though i cant be with her during recess.
i miss the times when 6s still meets during the sec one years for silly things like basketball and badminton and just plain slacking around.
i miss the times when i could flare up at stupid faizrin irritating me and mr foo stand up for me becox he likes me cox i can solve a maths qns which he and the whole class cant solve.
i miss the times i could forget about being left behind becox huishan,wanjoo is always there
i miss the times when i go for tuition when i could finish everything in a jiffy and absolutely correct and ya.have fun.
i miss the times when i went out to catch a movie with huishan, wanjoo, shuhao and lili.
bet all these will not happen ever again.
becox i have changed and i believe they all have changed
hai.

and i shouldnt have tried to become better at dizi by taking lessons and going to cheng san
i should have just given dizi up and join badminton or cheerleading*clears throat* in JC.
not attending the MOE camp makes me feel so horrible now.
i cant admit that i gotten in b4?
i dont want pple to look upon me as a weakling.
hai...
though i really am
i may look like i want to fight for the best that kind
but its only for frivlous stuff like fighting for a air con sectional room or like being able to still maintain my seat in class that kind of thing?
i hate to take part in competitons.
i hate it!
wdv.
at the MOE camp i felt so horrible thats y i ponned
it was totally horrible for me
i only played dizi for 4 months?
like the sec ones now
and i have to be SABOed to go for this
and tinking i screwed up the scales i wont get in
but i got in
and i dont even know wad the hell is da G and i have to use it when i was even wondering why it has 7 holes?
and i dont even noe tong ying re at that time.
and i have to play all those pro songs with no friends with me at that time
i was the only dizi that got in from st nicks la
and im not even close to all the others who got in the camp
and i hate to feel lonely.
i feel so horrible i just didnt go for the rest
and now i have encountered chujun who knows all this.
i dun want it to be told by anyone else except me
i post it cox obviously no one reads anyway.
ya.
even if you know,
dont look down on me
and dont give up on me
becox i still love my dizi even though i said two times i wanted to give up.
becox if i gave up becox of all these,
i wouldnt even touch dizi until now.
so dont look down on me or give up on me ok?
becox i enjoy your presence.