thurs was a day of mixed feelings
hai
irritation
disappointment
sadness
fun
happiness
shall start with all the bad things first
duno
just get irritated at some things
tsk
tsk
tsk

got back chem paper
mugged so hard for the paper,
hoping to get very high marks for it to prove that im acty very good at chem,just nv study thats why
in the end,
only pass by 3 marks
no sticker
im tired
its the feeling like you mug so hard in anticipation
you look forward to your good results
but in the end, its still the same or worse
like nothing changes despite your efforts
nothing will change
whats more its only a chem test on a few topics
and all my chem results are all just pass..
mrs hoo said even if you score very low for this few topics but others very high, it goes to show that you are weak at all those topics.
but what about me?
mine are all so so
so is my chem really canot make it?
how am i going to get what i want in the olvls with this?
olvl is all the topics!!
will be even more screwed.
hai...
looks like im not so good at chem anyway

and it is worrying and depressing to see your results going from bad to worse to worst at this pt of time
what i should be seeing is maintaining good grades at niche subjects and making steady improvement in the others
but what im seeing is my other not good results going from bad to worse like bio.
used to get 34.5 but now? 25.
hist? 8.5
nvm.. you can say afterall im not good at the subject wad
will have the NICHE ones right?
the worst thing that can happen is
you see your niche subjects going from bad to worse too while staring helplessly at it and losing all your confidence.
i THOUGHT i was good at amaths and chinese.
but my results for them are deproving too!!
used to get 46, 48 for a maths.
suddenly drop to 34, 36? and i cant see the thing everytime.
i cant do my homework and the revision without looking at notebooks
i even forgot how to do integration
to the pt that im super inconfident of my answers
and my heart sinks when i dun get the answer
to the pt that im super depressed after every maths lesson
to the pt that i hate humans after all this and hope they all get away from me and stop irritating me cox im behind time.

i used to think im a chinese pro
good at everything regarding chinese
but later realise,
im not that good after all
my compos are all so so
i cant seem to write like before anymore
i used to be full of pts to write full to things to express and full of vocab
but now?
i stare at a compo qns and write nonsense, no pts, no vocab and the pts are all not linked and super crap and unoriginal
WHATS MY PROBLEM?!
CHINESE!!!!!!!
marks for papers are also so-so.
expected very high but in fact, it was just normal, ordinary, something anybody can get
i tink im so pro
but acty im not
at all
am i drained of ideas or wad?
i cant tink of beautiful vocab anymore
and STOP asking me wad is this wad is that how to express this how to express that.
cox im screwed myself
when i look at a compo qns, stupid and nonsubstantial ideas would just flow to my head and all the things i can use but suddenly such qns would jerk me out of them and ill forget them
i duno
i duno
i duno
i duno
i duno
its your compo
write it yourself
stop draining me

as you all can see, im screwed
physically psychological
just feel like breaking down sometimes
looking at myself disintegrate
just like my pts in a once very good chinese compo

went for farewell on thurs
its nice to see the new comm working quite cohesively together but dont talk among yourselves cox once you do that, pple lose their focus on you.
ya
games were quite fun
video is super lame!
P for pro la.
pi ni de tou.
anyway, the dizi i give very cute right!!!!!
HAHA
i got one also
sry for the white white spots on top cox its becox i use the super strong glue for ceramics then my hand stick on it
when i pluck my finger out, its there
sry sry
got my DNA ok!
hope you all tie it to your dizi bag and good luck for SYF la even though CO is not all about SYF

frankly speaking,
its weird to see videos about youself,
have the pple saying farewell to you and look at others lead the section while standing ard
i feel kind of lost without co
thinking what could have happened in co today,
wad you all did,
hows everything and whatsoever
when a few months ago we were still with you all,
playing tgt during jubliate
during sectionals
talking during dazu
holding my dizi bag and walking into the music rm late and feel so tua pai
hai
looks like all these is not very possible now
didnt really treasure snco alot
thought that we are lousy and not improving
skills forever so hun
and forever not displayed

only these few days when i leave the co
did i realise that being in a co is not all about skills anyway
in the co, one will have friends and nice juniors and do things you like to do with an official reason
realised that the suona and sheng pple are quite nice too
didnt like them in the past
thought they all got ap
but during the bbq,
realise that they are quite nice afterall
like to play, gossip around etc
haha
a very very late realization right?
sylvia came back too
acty i was quite surprised with myself
i thought i would end like behaving like wad i did to kristine to her
silence
nothing to say
cant click like before
that was what happened to me and my childhood friends too
nothing much to talk about
and was sitting in the bus in complete silence
but realize i could still talk to her like normal
without feeling awkward and weird
talk about crap etc like before
hai.
miss these feelings.
couldnt feel like that for very long already
whenever i talk to someone i didnt see for a long time,
i would feel so weird talking to them
and they will tink im dao
im not,
i just duno how to talk and what to talk about
hai.....
when i talk about something,
ill just feel like i've changed
and that person will realise ive changed
and turned so different and weird
then ill shut up

hai...
looks like ive really changed
was able to talk and speak very well and normally even to pple i havent see for a long time
but now,
im like some introvert or lame idiot

whats wrong with me?!!!??!!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!