haiiiiii
been thinking a lot these days
about what i want to be in the future,
trying to find books that i would be interested in,
thinking about what i can do with my dizi

i think i need to take a break from my dizis
for the past yr,
i seem to have lost the primary reason why i wanted and liked to play dizi
taking two exams in the past yr itself really proved to be too much for me
i was so busy trying to pass my exams, doing well at dizi, at that time, seemed to be just a tool or a key to my supposed future
after the diploma exam which i alr felt i screwed up,
i lost all interest
didnt feel like learning anything new, didnt feel like playing
and recollecting how much i put in into dizi,
what did i do?
what good can all these do to my future?
its not possible for me to be a musician,
if theres so many people out there with a distinction in diploma, what right have i to be the musician when i am not one of the best?
it doesnt make sense to me after trying all sorts of ways to make it do, though
besides, just because of a setback i suffered in this exam,
i can lose interest in dizi, and its quite drastic
how can i be so confirmed that i can keep my passion going with all the things and pressure and stress a musician have to go through?
especially when there are definitely more i have to face in the small and pathetic music circle in Singapore,
not just not meeting my own expectations in the recent exam

im playing just becox i spent so much effort in it
and its dumb to quit now
and thats such a dumb reason
been even wondering,
so what if i can get diploma, degree whatever there is
if it is really as simple as being able to afford having the money, you can pass

maybe my road of playing dizi has been too smooth,
making me unable to face a setback maybe tiny to others

i really need a rest and try something completely new
hope i can find what dizi meant to me at the very start i held it.